White coat. Heels.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if only i could text you this smell
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
