$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
