where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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