I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
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