ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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