I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
