Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
