Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
