i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
