Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
