I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
