So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I smell stomach acid.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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