the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
