I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
