Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
