This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
