Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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