Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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