my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
