dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
