life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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