I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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