Don't make out with my wife yet
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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