we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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