Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
