guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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