why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
how drunk are you?
Several
You ruined the universe
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
