Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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