hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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