At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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