i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
