I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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