I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
