I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
