I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
