when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
