Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
