She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
