I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
