I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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