I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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