It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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