wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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