my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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