How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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