Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
