Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
