At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
