I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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