I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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