Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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