I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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