Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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