Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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