Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
God, I missed his penis.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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