if i can run in heels then i can drive
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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